You know how sometimes when you get really drunk you and your mates start talking crap? Well me and Scottie do that when we are sober, which is a bit worrying. One time we came up with a concept for a fantastic Saturday evening game show – Pro Celebrity Torture. We had it all worked out – who would be on it, the public phone in to vote for their least favourite celebrity and the method by which that celebrity would be tortured – whether it would be a professional torturer or just Philip Schofield – all that sort of thing. Then we had the idea that all motorways should be built downhill so that in winter we could save on fuel by just skiing to work.
Things recently went downhill from there and while talking utter bollocks one Saturday morning Scottie came up with the idea of the junkyard dog. “What if “, he said “ What if we just trawled our respective junk piles and just got loads of bits together and build a bike from it and just see what happens”. The idea was so ridiculous and outlandish that I had no option but to agree to it immediately.
This, dear friends is the beginning of the sorry tale of what happened after that fateful conversation.
We agreed at the beginning to certain ground rules because we didn’t feel that creating a motorcycle out of nothing but scrap was hard enough – oh no, that would never do. I’ll leave Scottie to tell you all of the rules partly because I don’t want to steal his thunder and partly because I don’t know what they are. I know I’m not allowed to buy new stuff and I know I am allowed to make brackets and spacers and shit but apart from that it’s still a bit of a mystery really. I suppose the good thing is If I don’t know the rules I can’t be held responsible for breaking them. Just as well really as I am probably the most irresponsible person I have ever had the misfortune to have to work with. I’m both schizophrenic too.
Anyway enough of that. As we stared out with no idea whatsoever as to what we were going to build we just had a crawl around to see what detritus could be used to give us a starting point. We thought maybe some sort of off road thing or maybe a trike and then Scottie put his hands upon an old chopper frame – that’s a bingo!! It was just a frame but it looked well enough made and it had the registration plate cable tied to it so we knew it had to be a professional build, any lesser individual would have used gaffer tape. All we had to do now was find a couple of other bites asnd we would have a complete bike.
We found some super cool stuff that is all totally unsuitable so that’s a great starting point – I particularly liked the VZ800 rear wheel and instantly knew it had to be made to fit. Ian had found it somewhere, God alone knows where but he thought he had had it for some time. We then set about finding the longest pair of forks that we could – I think they came off some Yammy or other, don’t know, don’t care they are definitely the right ones for the job. I think We’ve got a yoke that will fit them and the frame so if they can be married up it will be most splendid.
Engine is easy – we have lots to choose from. I was thinking V twin but when I suggested that to Scottie and Ian Scottie threw up and Ian threatened me. Straight four it is then. I want air cooled because fins look so cool and it saves fannying about with radiators and water and all those complications. I’ve got a couple of GSX600F teapot engines in my store room that seem to be the best choice at the moment. I’ve got the CDI igniters, might even have a set of carbs so that would be a really good start. I also have a very cool exhaust off a Kwakker something or other, it’s all chromey and lovely and would bling the bitch up nicely – I can mate it to the headers I have for the engine if I get lucky.
The rest of it will unfold as the project goes on. It will probably take years, I have no idea how it will end up but I do have this vision of a sort of 1960’s American chopper outline sort of thing with a tall sissy bar and apehangers handlebars.
I haven’t got a clue what I am doing, I have never built a chopper before but I have watched American Chopper so I have all the skills required, including the ability to smash stuff and alienate my entire family. I am struggling to think of a single thing that could possibly go wrong, I hope you feel inspired to join us as we embark on this exciting and peculiar version of reality.
Best and all that, Dave.
Article provided by David Powell of Boston Bike Bits.
